Detectives at Work
by DeadWoman
Summary: Valkyrie and Skulduggery being weird while "working"


_Just a stupid one-shot about Valkyrie and Skulduggery being weird and detective-y. _

"Valkyrie?"

Valkyrie Cain looked round to see Skulduggery Pleasant, Skeleton Detective and powerful mage, stuck in a ventilation shaft.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Well, you know when I said that I could fit in here, despite the child-like size?"

"Yes?"

"And you know I'm always the first one to admit when I'm wrong?"

"No. You're always the last one to admit you're wrong."

"That's a lie."

"It is not."

"Is."

"Don't try and distract me. What are you doing?"

"I got stuck." Skulduggery said, physically drooping.

"No! Not someone of your skill and elegance!" Valkyrie crouched down beside him.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."

"But I make it work." Valkyrie poked his skull and frowned. "Why did you go in there? It is basically a very small hole in a wall."

"Evidence." Skulduggery struggled for a second then sighed. "Reach into my left jacket pocket and you'll find a wallet. Get it out and bag it as evidence." Valkyrie laughed and did as he asked then grinned and withdrew his phone as well. "Valkyrie, put that back."

"Hmm, how about _no_?" She raised her eyebrow and sat down. "Now who should we text?"

"Valkyrie Cain, put that back!"

"Sorry, Skulduggery. This is revenge." She showed him the text she had just sent.

**China, China, I have a bone for you *winks* warning this is NOT PG! **

"I hate you." Skulduggery said miserably. "And why do you need revenge?"

"You stole my McDonald's Happy Meal."

"When?"

"On Monday." Valkyrie glared.

"Uh, quick question."

"Yeah?"

"Why would I steal your Happy Meal when I can't eat it?"

Valkyrie's mouth opened and closed then she frowned.

"By your expression, I gather that you didn't think of that."

"Hmm...who did steal it then?"

"I'm not sure."

His phone buzzed in her hand. "Sorry about the revenge stuff. I'll tell China that it wasn't you?"

"Yes! Do that!"

"Let's just see what she's put." Valkyrie grinned. "Oh-ho!"

"What? Let me look!"

**Skulduggery, Skulduggery, I will break that "bone" in half if you put "it" anywhere near me *winks* that scene will not be PG.**

"Valkyrie!" Skulduggery protested. "Tell her that it was you."

"Sure...after you find out who stole my Happy Meal." Valkyrie used air and pulled Skulduggery out and he fell on the floor, groaning.

"I'll buy you two if you just tell her it wasn't me."

"It's the principle of the thing, Skulduggery! Someone stole my food."

"And?"

"Does it need more explanation?"

"Yes."

"No it doesn't."

Valkyrie dragged him off to the Bentley and they began the drive back to Roarhaven.

...

When they had consulted Ghastly and Erskine, Valkyrie made Skulduggery begin the detecting of the food thief.

"Maybe it was someone we know."

"Obviously it was someone we know." Skulduggery looked at his partner. "We were probably eating lunch with them."

"Aha! That's narrowed down the suspects."

"It's not a murder."

"It technically is."

"_It technically is_." Skulduggery imitated her quietly. Apparently not quietly enough because he felt something hit him in the back. "Ow!" He spun round. "That hurt."

"Chairs do the strangest things." Valkyrie smirked. "Hey, why don't we interview everyone who was eating with us?"

"I thought I would be a great detective. It only lasted a hundred or so years. Now I'm getting stuck in holes in walls, getting bossed around and blackmailed by a seventeen year old and looking for Happy Meal thieves." Skulduggery sighed as he walked after his partner.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

"Good. Stop complaining."

...

Skulduggery and Valkyrie were sat across from Dexter, Skulduggery sorting through the papers Valkyrie had given him about the suspects (which was stupid in his opinion) and Valkyrie staring at Dexter's muscles.

"Vex," Valkyrie began. "I like your top." She said, obviously distracted as Dexter yawned and stretched, his top coming up a few inches.

"It's white." Skulduggery said.

"It's nice." She replied. "Anyway, Dexter, ahem, I mean, Vex. Why do you think you're here?"

"Uh, am I here because of the thing with Erskine's office?"

"Elaborate."

"He has a bed in there. A bed! I was showing some Japanese girls the Sanctuary and boasting about my connections when I remembered. It was 1 in the morning and Erskine wasn't here. But Tipstaff of course informed his precious Grand Mage that I had gone in there with two girls. But I managed to convince Erskine that it wasn't what he thought it was."

"And was it?"

"Well yeah. I am Dexter Vex, after all."

"Yes you are." Valkyrie winked at him. Skulduggery coughed. "But that's not why you're here."

"Huh? But I just told you..."

"Someone stole my Happy Meal on Monday and it wasn't Skulduggery. We're interviewing people who had lunch with us."

"No! Who would do that?"

Skulduggery stared at his fellow Dead Man but he seemed deadly serious. Was food such a big priority in his friends' lives? McDonald's would be the death of them all someday. And probably because Valkyrie would kill everyone who stole her McDonald's.

"So it wasn't you then?"

"Duh. Course not."

"Thanks. Can you send Saracen in?"

...

"So we've been through Dexter, Saracen, Ghastly, Fletcher and the Monster Hunters." Skulduggery said after two hours. "And no clue of who stole it."

"Nope."

"Val, and I am only saying this because it is a last resort question, are you sure you didn't eat it?"

"What?"

"Maybe you forgot..."

"Skulduggery, how stupid do you think I am?"

"Please can I have my phone back now?"

"Since you asked nicely." Valkyrie handed it him. He turned it on and it buzzed. "Look you have a message."

**Go to the main hall. China x**

"What?"

"Go, Skul." Valkyrie said softly and Skulduggery ran to the main hall, Valkyrie following him. He passed Donegan who was drinking water. Donegan spat it all out.

"Ah! I only popped out to get some water!" Donegan yelled and ran past Skulduggery to dive into the hall and slam the door just as Skulduggery reached them.

"What's happening?" He asked Valkyrie.

"Guess."

"You found out who stole your Happy Meal and now you're going to kill everyone connected to them?"

"Try again."

"You're interrogating everyone in the Sanctuary and wanted to invite me along?"

"Third time lucky? It's something I've always wanted to do to you."

"Uh, I have an answer in my head but it is very inappropriate."

"Hm, it's probably second on stuff I want to do to Skulduggery list then." Valkyrie gave a wicked smile.

"I'm not going to comment on that."

"Good idea."

Skulduggery opened the doors and gasped as everyone leapt out at him. Valkyrie hugged him. "It's National Best Friend day!" she yelled.

"This is such an honor." Skulduggery said. "Were you planning this all day?"

"Yes! The McDonald's stuff was just a decoy. I did eat it." Valkyrie admitted.

"I knew it!"

"No you didn't. You went along with it all."

"That's because I'm a great best friend."

"You are, Pleasant."

"Thank you, Cain."

_I'm not sure if I should continue this as a Fanfic or keep it as a one-shot? _


End file.
